inconsistency looks like failure

from the inside..

lately i’ve been feeling like i’m failing in too many areas of my life at once and it’s not even loud or dramatic, it’s just there, sitting quietly in everything i do… or don’t do

i think it comes down to inconsistency. not that i don’t know what to do, because i do. i have plans, ideas, moments where i feel like i can actually get my life together, but i can never seem to stay there long enough for anything to stick. i start, i stop, i disappear, i come back, and over time it just starts to look like i’m unserious. even to myself

and it’s worse now because of where i am

this is supposed to be my last semester… i hope… and instead of feeling close to the end, i feel like everything is exposing me at once. i’m struggling academically, properly struggling, and it doesn’t help that i’ve never liked this course. everyone knows it, it’s not even something i try to hide anymore, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier, if anything it makes it harder because now it just looks like i don’t care

and maybe that’s how it comes across

we’re literally just in the second week of active classes and i’ve already been called out. my lecturer called my name for attendance, no one answered, and instead of leaving it there he told people to tell me that i should “be careful with him” and that i should be attending lectures and be serious. kmt

and i don’t know why that got to me the way it did but it did

it’s like i’m on a stage without choosing to be there and suddenly there’s a spotlight on me and people are watching, forming opinions, filling in gaps they don’t understand. i hate that feeling. i hate feeling like i’m being reduced to one version of myself based on what people see in moments like that

because it feels like a gateway to being looked down on

and maybe i’m overthinking it but i don’t think i am. i can already feel it, that subtle shift in how people see you when you’re not showing up the way you’re expected to. and the thing is, it hits harder because a part of me already feels like i’m not doing enough

so it doesn’t feel like correction, it feels like confirmation

like yeah, this is exactly who you’re becoming

and i hate that

i hate that this is my reality in what is supposed to be my final semester. i hate that i’m here still struggling, still inconsistent, still unsure if i’m even going to graduate this year. i hate that my dad is paying for a course i don’t even like and i’m not even doing well in it. that part sits heavy in a way i don’t talk about much because it’s not just about me anymore, it’s about effort, sacrifice and expectation… and i feel like i’m wasting it

and it’s not like i don’t care. i do. i care a lot actually, maybe too much, just not in a way that translates into action consistently

and that’s the frustrating part

because i know i’m capable of more. i know i’m not stupid, i know i’m not lazy in the way it might look from the outside, but there’s this gap between what i could be doing and what i actually do and i’ve been living in that gap for so long that it’s starting to define me

it makes you start questioning yourself in a different way

like are you actually serious about anything? or do you just like the idea of things? are you someone who follows through or someone who just keeps restarting?

and i don’t have a clean answer to that right now

all i know is that i don’t like where i am, and i don’t like the version of me that inconsistency is slowly creating

and maybe the worst part is realising that this didn’t just happen overnight

it’s been building

quietly, slowly, in all the times i told myself “i’ll do it later” and actually believed it

but at the same time, i know myself

i know this is a phase. i’ve had moments like this before where everything feels heavy and stuck and like it’s all piling up at once, and somehow i always move past it. i always end up looking back at that version of me and laughing, wondering why it felt so big at the time

so i know, logically, that this won’t last forever

i know there’s a version of me in the future that is fine, maybe even doing well, maybe even proud of herself

but that doesn’t change the fact that this is my now

and my now feels… depressing

like i’m watching myself fall short in real time and i can’t fully catch it

and maybe that’s what makes it hard

not that i’ll always be here

but that i’m here right now